Kelly Chang Rickert Explains "The Jude Law"

I had the privilege and pleasure of appearing on this fabulous TV show last night on Style Network.

In case you missed it - here is a piece of advice, straight from a divorce lawyer's mouth.

Men who help with housework have happier marriages

Forget boxes of chocolates and romantic weekends away.
The secret to a happy marriage is to roll up your sleeves and help your wife with the housework.

Research shows that unions in which the men muck in with the chores and childcare are more likely to last the course.
And the more elbow grease a man puts in, the lower the odds of him heading to the divorce courts.

The results of the study of thousands of British couples will be music to the ears of millions of women.




Men, however, are likely to be a little less keen on the idea that they should be taking on their share of 'women's work'.
Researchers from the renowned London School of Economics, normally used to dealing with more weighty academic affairs, have turned their minds to the hoovering and washing up.

They tracked the fortunes of 3,500 married couples who had their first child during one week in 1970 - an age when most women with young children stayed at home.

When the children were five years old, the women were asked about how much their husbands did around the house, including helping with housework, childcare and shopping.

Just over half didn't help at all - or only assisted with one task.

A quarter carried out two tasks, and the remaining quarter did three or four, the journal Feminist Economics reports.

Around 7 per cent of the couples had divorced by the time the child was ten, rising to 20 per cent by the youngster's 16th birthday.

When the two pieces of information were crunched together it became clear that the more a man helped out, the more stable his marriage was.

It showed that although divorce became more common when the mother went out to work, this increase could be kept to a minimum by the father pulling his weight around the house.

Researcher Wendy Sigle-Rushton said: 'The results suggest the risk of divorce among working mothers, while greater, is substantially reduced when fathers contribute more to housework and childcare.'

Marriages in which the father stayed at home and took responsibility for the childcare and chores were as stable as those which followed traditional gender roles.

The finding, claimed Dr Sigle-Rushton, exploded the theory that marriages work best when comprised of a stay-at-home mother and a working father.

She added: 'The structure of the labour market, rates of female labour market participation, rates of divorce, and expectations about men's and women's gender roles have all changed considerably since 1975.

'But this study underscores the importance of taking into account relationships between men's behaviour and marital stability.'

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The Bible and Divorce

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate (Matthew 19:6).



Note: This is part one of a two-part online Bible study on marriage, God and divorce. Be sure to also read Reject Unscriptural Reasons for Divorce, taken from www.dougbrittonbooks.com

Bible study on God and Divorce: Introduction

Complete commitment to your marriage provides a foundation of dependability and trust. It takes you through tough times and steers you toward godly solutions. A lack of commitment erodes your strength, determination and resourcefulness. It can lead to tragedy.

Marriage can be compared to a marathon race. If you don't commit yourself to running the distance no matter what the cost, your chances of dropping out along the way increase. But if you are determined, you will find unforeseen strength to overcome every obstacle.


Embrace God's attitude about marriage and divorce

The Bible says that when two are joined together in marriage, they are no longer two, but one (Genesis 2:23-24; Mark 10:8), and that God hates divorce. You and your spouse are "one" no matter how poorly your marriage is functioning. Divorce, in God's eyes, is not an option except in specific situations—and even then, forgiveness and rebuilding are usually best.

Study these Scriptures to see how serious the Lord is about divorce:

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel (Malachi 2:16).

What God has joined together, let man not separate ... I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery (Matthew 19:6, 9).

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery (Mark 10:11-12).

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).

My wife Skeeter and I would probably not be married today if God allowed divorce. Early in our marriage, there were times when each of us wanted out. But, after we became Christians, neither of us sought divorce because we knew it was sinful. This knowledge held us together through difficult years and pushed us to improve our marriage. Now, as we enjoy a happy marriage, we are grateful for God's commands against divorce. We needed them.



Do not rebel against God

It is hard for this online Bible study to overstate how much God hates divorce. Jesus said that to divorce for unscriptural reasons and then remarry is to commit adultery. Yet many people who profess Christianity play games with God by divorcing and then cruising along as if God did not mind. They often continue to attend church and engage in "spiritual" activities or ministries, thinking everything is fine. They look good on the outside. But read what God says about them:

You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant (Malachi 2:13-14).

In other words, when you divorce for unscriptural reasons, you drive a wedge between yourself and God, for you are rebelling against him.


Realize that divorce has consequences

Unscriptural divorce always brings painful consequences. Not only do you distance yourself from God when you divorce, you also damage your spouse, wound your children, injure other family members, hurt friends, set the stage for future pain for yourself and bring shame upon the name of Christ.

When you do things God's way, things work out best. On the other hand, when you disobey God, problems eventually come. If you divorce for unscriptural reasons, the odds are high that you will regret it before you die. You are certain to regret it when you stand before God.


Never say, "Let's divorce"

Suggesting divorce without scriptural reasons opens the door to sin. When you are broke you would never say, "Let's rob a bank." Along the same lines, when you are unhappy, do not say, "Let's divorce," "I don't see why we should stay married" or "You'd be better off without me."


God and Divorce — Does God ever allow divorce?

Although the Bible stresses the importance and permanence of marriage, it permits divorce in two circumstances.

1. Divorce is allowed for sexual immorality.

Jesus said you may divorce if your spouse is sexually unfaithful. Notice, however, that he did not command you to divorce. He merely said it is permissible.

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery (Matthew 19:9).

Jesus said God only allowed divorce in the Old Testament because of the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19:8). Some people think this means Christians never should divorce since Jesus took away our hard hearts when we were born again. However, this contradicts what Jesus said in Matthew 19:9. He would not have given an exception unless he meant it.

However, it is usually better to rebuild a marriage than divorce.

There are many marriages in which the offender asked for forgiveness, the betrayed partner forgave and the two successfully rebuilt their relationship. The process was painful and involved hard work, but the results were worth the effort. God was glorified and they ended up with great marriages.



2. Divorce is allowed if an unbeliever leaves.

If you are married to an unbeliever, it is God's desire for you to stay married (1 Corinthians 7:12-14, 16; 1 Peter 3:1-6). However, if your unbelieving spouse leaves, you "are not bound."

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances (1 Corinthians 7:12-15).



Divorce is not permitted for "emotional desertion."

Some say the previous verses justify divorce even if their spouse does not physically leave home. They state they are free to divorce if their mate has been unpleasant, financially irresponsible, sexually unavailable, emotionally removed or physically violent. How do they come to such a conclusion? By saying that their spouse "left" or "deserted" them emotionally.

Such logic twists the clear meaning of the above passage, not to mention God's commands throughout the New Testament. Paul was writing about leaving physically. We all are married to imperfect spouses and at one time or another could justify divorce because of "emotional desertion." Let me invite you to read Part 2 of this study on God and divorce, Reject Unscriptural Reasons for Divorce.


Are there any other times God allows divorce?

The guidelines in this online Bible study on commitment, God and divorce cover the vast majority of the situations I have encountered as a marriage and family therapist. However, there are may be times when it’s hard to know what to do. For example, if your mate is jailed for physically abusing you, this could qualify as a time when divorce is permissible since your unbelieving spouse left you.

If you are unsure about your circumstances, talk with a wise pastor or counselor—someone committed to helping you discover how God’s Word applies in your situation, not someone whose basic philosophy is, "If you're unhappy, divorce."


What if you have already divorced?

If you divorced for unbiblical reasons, particularly if you were a Christian when you did so, you need to face the awfulness and seriousness of your sin. Do not pretend that divorcing your spouse was not sinful or that it somehow was okay with God. It was not.

I am extremely concerned for Christians who divorce and remarry for unscriptural reasons and are not willing to face the largeness of their sin. When we choose to sin, we harden our hearts toward God and his commandments. Then rather than genuinely confessing, we justify our actions. People say, for example, "I know it was a sin, but it was the only thing I could do." Or, "We live under grace, not law." Or, "I knew it was wrong, but Jesus told me he would forgive me if I did it."

Nonsense. It was not Jesus who told them it was okay to divorce. He commanded us not to divorce and added that if we divorce for unscriptural reasons and remarry, we commit adultery (Matthew 19:9).

The Bible uses stinging words to describe those who justify sin by saying "We live under grace." Remember Jude's words:

They are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord (Jude 4).

Walt said he knew the Bible condemns divorce, but planned to divorce Shelly anyway because "God is a forgiving God." Shelly protested the divorce and wrote letters pleading for another chance. His response, even as he went through the divorce proceedings, was to give her angry speeches, saying she must forgive him because she was a Christian. He divorced her, married another woman, and now attends church as if nothing happened.

Margaret told her husband Richard she intended to divorce him and then marry a man who was divorcing his wife. She said they planned to approach their church and ask forgiveness after marrying. She clearly was playing games with God and choosing to rebel against his Word. Her planned "repentance" was a sham.

I could go on and on describing people's rationalizations for divorce. For example, some say, "After I divorce and marry someone else, we will commit adultery the first time we have sex. After that it won't be adultery."

Those who justify sin will not be so nonchalant when they stand before God in judgment. He is not impressed by our excuses.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad (2 Corinthians 5:10).

If you divorced your spouse for unscriptural reasons and you both are Christians, you probably should pursue restoration of your marriage if neither of you has remarried. Seek counsel from a Bible-believing pastor before you make a decision.

If you were a Christian when you divorced and have married someone else, confess that you started in sin. If you truly confess, Christ will forgive you (1 John 1:9) and help you deal with the mess you created. By truly confess, I mean to (1) genuinely face the awfulness of the sin of divorcing and (2) acknowledge that if you could make the decision again you would not divorce. Anything else would be half-hearted and come short of genuine confession.

After confessing your sin, do not divorce your present spouse to remarry your previous mate. You cannot undo the effect of sin by sinning again.

There is hope in the Lord, even in this ungodly situation. When we disobey God's Word, we suffer. But when we honestly and humbly confess our sins, Christ helps us put the past behind and press on. As Paul wrote:

Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).

However, do not be nonchalant about "forgetting what is behind." You have harmed others and need to do what you can to promote healing. At the least, you probably should apologize to your ex-spouse, children, close friends and church. When you offer an apology, do not make excuses. Be sure to respond with understanding, patience and love if others do not forgive you.

Let me close this section of this Bible study by offering the example of Skeeter and myself as an encouragement. We married because she became pregnant. We started our marriage in a bad way and suffered many unpleasant consequences. However, we eventually turned to God and confessed our sins. Although we had to deal with the consequences, we also experienced the grace of God and have enjoyed an ever-growing and deeply satisfying marriage. When you genuinely confess your sins, God builds mansions out of ashes.



There is hope in the Lord

Many people say divorce brings freedom. That is no more true than the serpent's promises to Eve in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:1-5). Living according to God's Word provides true freedom—the freedom of a clean conscience, freedom from the tyranny and consequences of sin and freedom to enjoy God's love.

Even if you think you are stuck with a miserable marriage for the rest of your life, take heart. God loves you and wants the best for you. His commands are for your good. Build upon the truths in this online Bible study by going to the Word itself. As you read the Bible and grow in the Lord, you will discover principles to help you live with satisfaction and joy regardless of your situation. You will also learn many ways to transform an unsatisfying marriage into a great one.

Note: This is part two of a two-part online Bible study on marriage and divorce. Be sure to also read Commit to Your Marriage, taken from http://www.dougbrittonbooks.com/

What the Bible Says about Christians and Divorce
Although the Bible is clear about divorce, many of us—Christians and others—have been sorely tempted by thoughts of it. It's easy to understand why, since many of us go through times of intense unhappiness in our marriage. Yet God's position is unmistakable. He hates divorce.

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel (Malachi 2:16).

What God has joined together, let man not separate . . . I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery (Matthew 19:6, 9).

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery (Mark 10:11-12).

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).

Does God ever allow divorce? There are two possible scriptural exceptions to the Bible's commands about Christians, marriage and divorce. You can read about them in part one of this two-part online Bible study.



Common unbiblical reasons (or excuses) for divorce

The following are some common, unscriptural justifications people give for divorce. Feel free to substitute "he" or "she" where appropriate. As you read, ask yourself if you ever say or think any of these things. If you do, ask God for forgiveness and strength to stop.

"I married the wrong person."
Maybe you did marry the "wrong" person. If so, you are not alone. Many of us married someone we should not have, married under poor circumstances or married at the wrong time. But even if you sinned when you married, you cannot fix it by divorcing, for you would be sinning again.

Read the example of David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11-12). David had sexual relations with Bathsheba, arranged to have her husband killed and then married her. This was a terrible way to start a marriage and they suffered because of it.

Although David and Bathsheba's marriage started in sin, God did not tell them to divorce. In fact, read Matthew 1:6 and you will see that their son, Solomon, was one of Joseph's ancestors. (Joseph was the husband of Mary, mother of Jesus.) Although we suffer terribly because of our choices (Galatians 6:7-8), God can bring unforeseen blessings out of our sins.


"I love someone else."
I remember one of the first times someone told me he was divorcing because he loved someone else. Jeremy had been active in his church for many years, but he planned to leave his wife and children because he thought he had fallen in love with a woman on the job.

He and his coworker had worked together on a project for several weeks. When it was completed, he took her to a celebration party at a friend's apartment, leaving his wife at home. They drank wine and danced. As Jeremy held her in his arms, he found himself "falling in love."

Many other married men and women have told me of falling in love with someone else, someone they thought really listened and cared. You, too, may have met someone at work, the grocery store or even church who seems more attentive and respectful than your spouse. The Bible gives clear instructions about how to deal with such situations:

First, do not think about, fantasize or plan how to sin (Romans 13:14). Remember, Jesus said that to divorce and then marry someone else is to commit adultery. Resist the temptation and concentrate your thoughts on what is right and pure (Philippians 4:8).


Second, avoid tempting situations. Jeremy should have stayed home or taken his wife to the celebration party.


Third, do not flirt, "innocently" touch others or make comments that could be interpreted as meaning you are available.


Fourth, be guided by the true love that comes from God, not the "love" that comes from your flesh. If you really love someone, you do not do anything that might cause him or her to sin. If Jeremy really loved his coworker, he would not have attended the party--for her sake as well as his own.


Fifth, when opportunities for sin present themselves, flee (Genesis 39:6-23; 2 Timothy 2:22). Cut off the relationship. Do not lay the foundation for tragedy.


Sixth, unite with (or cleave to) your spouse (Genesis 2:24) and build a good marriage.



"I don't love my mate," or, "I've fallen out of love."
The Bible tells husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25) and wives to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). Biblical love is seen primarily in choices, attitudes and actions, not in emotions. True love is based on our promises to God and to each other, not on how we feel at the moment.

Many marriages have been transformed when people discovered they could choose to love. Study 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, a passage that describes true love. You will see that not one verse describes love in the emotional terms you might expect.

The good news is that once you choose to practice the Bible's love principles, you also begin to experience emotional love.




"My mate doesn't love me."
It can be crushing to think you are unloved. Yet our love should not depend on being loved. Jesus said:

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous (Matthew 5:44-45).

Since Jesus said to love your enemy, you can be sure he wants you to love your husband or wife, no matter what. Think about Christ's example. He loved those who rejected him.

How can you do this? Only with God's help. Sincerely ask him to help you follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13 and you will see your attitude change. God will bless your obedience to his Word and, as time goes on, you will probably see your mate respond to your love.




"I'm so unhappy. This can't be what God wants."
Most people divorce because they are desperately unhappy. By disobeying God's Word and taking things into their own hands, they think they will find happiness. They pay a huge price. When they disobey God, they turn away from the source of joy--Jesus Christ.

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete (John 15:11).

If you think God doesn't want you to be miserable, you're right. However, he wants you to seek relief his way, not by sinning. The solution is to turn to the Lord and his Word--to learn how to experience his joy whatever your situation (Philippians 4:4; James 1:2).




"We're incompatible," or, "We have grown apart."
You may think that you and your spouse have incompatible personalities. Or you may not share similar beliefs, values or interests. Perhaps your sex life is unsatisfying. Whatever the frustration, the answer is to learn how to flourish in your situation while working to improve it, not run away.

My wife Skeeter and I have extremely different personalities, talents and interests. During more than three decades of marriage, we have had to accommodate hundreds of differences, large and small. As each of us has sought to learn from the other and to value our differences, we have both gained richer lives.




"I want to develop my ministry."
Harold longingly told me about the ministry he had with single adults before he married. He said that after marrying, he was so distracted by problems with his wife that he didn't have time for his ministry. He was sure God wanted him to divorce and move back into the ministry.

I hope you can see how foolish this argument was. Harold was telling God he planned to disobey him so he could serve him!




"We were not married in God's eyes."
Some rationalize divorce by claiming they are not really married, saying, "All we have is a piece of paper." What a creative solution! Using the same logic, I could disavow any legal contract if I later decided God had not approved of it. My word and the authority of the law would no longer have a hold on me.

This obviously is not the way God looks at things. Examine again the example of David and Bathsheba. There is no question that their marriage was not God's perfect plan, yet God did not have them divorce. Once you marry, you are married.




"He's not saved," or, "She's not a good Christian."
Even if your spouse is not a Christian--or is a lukewarm Christian--God says not to divorce. Instead, he calls on you to pray for your mate, be a great example and win him or her to Christ through your love.

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him … How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-13, 16).

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives (1 Peter 3:1).




"I don't have peace."
Some justify divorce by saying, "I don't have peace and God called me to peace." They are right when they say God wants them to experience peace. But they are wrong when they think they can get it by disobeying God's commands and seeking peace in their own fashion.

Imagine a harried mother telling her child, "I don't feel peace, so I'm leaving you and getting some nicer children." Or imagine a man in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean saying, "I'm getting seasick" and jumping out of the boat. Divorcing your spouse to find peace is just as foolish--and just as serious an error in God's eyes.

Don't commit sin to find peace. Instead, seek God's peace in your circumstances. Jesus said:

In me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33).




"She would be happier without me."
Your mate may be unhappy, but don't use this as an excuse to divorce. You are not being noble or loving if you do. You simply are sinning. The noblest thing you can do is obey God. Stay in your marriage and work at making it the best one possible.




"We serve a forgiving God. He will forgive me."
The Bible never encourages us to sin while simultaneously claiming God's forgiveness. You can count on his forgiveness when you genuinely confess your sin, not when you harden your heart and disobey him.

God's Word is full of warnings about professing the name of the Lord while rejecting his commands. Read Malachi 2:13-14 again. God says that in spite of tears, weeping and wailing, he "no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands" because of divorce.




"We are living under grace. We serve a God of love. Don't be legalistic."
Jude forcefully refuted this when he wrote that if you "change the grace of our God into a license for immorality," you "deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord" (Jude 4). Paul also denounced this argument when he wrote:

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? (Romans 6:1-2).

When you divorce for non-scriptural reasons, you are actively rebelling against God. Study Hosea 7:13-14, 8:2-3, 9:4 and Amos 5:21 for warnings to those who claim to seek God but choose to sin at the same time.

No one is perfect (1 John 1:8). If we could not ask God's forgiveness, we would be without hope. But don't play games with the Lord by saying you love him while at the same time disobeying him.




"Divorce is no worse than other sins."
This excuse goes right along with "We serve a forgiving God. He will forgive me." People who use this argument often have two points: (1) No sin is worse than other sins and (2) everybody sins from time to time, so what's the big deal?

If you think this way, you open the door to a world of sin, for you excuse sin so easily.

The argument that "divorce is no worse than other sins, so it's okay to divorce," is nonsense. We should look for ways to please God, not excuses to disobey him. Read God's call to holiness in Leviticus 11:44, Romans 12:1, Ephesians 5:4-5 and 1 Thessalonians 4:7. When you choose to sin, you put a distance between God and yourself. That distance grows because you have hardened your heart to his voice.

Further, in some crucial aspects, it's not true that no sin is worse than other sins. Read Malachi 2:13-16 again to see the forcefulness of God's condemnation of divorce. Also read 1 Corinthians 6:13-20 in which Paul highlighted sexual sins because "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit" (1 Corinthians 6:19).




"He is physically abusive."
There are situations in which you should take action to protect yourself. Physical abuse is one of them. A man cannot begin to understand the emotional harm, not to mention the physical damage, which he inflicts when he abuses his wife. The same is equally true with a physically abusive woman.

It is often wise to separate when physical abuse occurs. The purpose of separating usually should not be to lay the foundation for a divorce, but rather to (1) prevent further violence and (2) provide adequate time for the couple to receive biblical counseling to build a solid marriage. (Are there times when divorce is permissible for physical abuse? This is discussed under "Does God ever allow divorce?" in Part 1 of this online Bible study.)

Other appropriate responses to abuse include talking to your pastor, calling the police or getting a restraining order. It is okay for a Christian to appeal to the civil authorities. Read in Acts 25:11 about the time Saul claimed his rights as a Roman citizen when he was mistreated.




"I committed a sexual sin."
From time to time, I hear someone say, "Since I had an affair, our marriage is over and I'm free to divorce." That's not what the Bible says. If you committed adultery, your spouse is free to divorce you. It doesn't work the other way around.




"He committed "mental adultery."
If your spouse longingly stares, or seems to stare, at someone else, don't say, "He looked at another woman lustfully. According to Matthew 5:27-28, he committed adultery in his heart, so I can divorce him." This would be a misuse of the Scriptures. To use the same line of reasoning, I could take someone to court as a murderer for getting angry with me (Matthew 5:22 and 1 John 3:15). These passages are written to strengthen us against lust and anger, not to justify legal actions.




There are hundreds of additional "Christian" reasons (excuses) for divorce.
The list of reasons people give for divorce is endless. For example: "He's an alcoholic." "She won't make love." "He's mean to my kids." "She smokes." "He's emotionally abusive." "She pushed me away." "I can't trust him." "God doesn't want me in an unhealthy relationship."

If you say such things, apply the same scriptural principles discussed earlier. Although you may face heartbreaking problems, they are not biblical reasons for divorce.

God loves you and will help you in your situation. Learn to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). Trust him and follow his commands; he will help you through your hard times.



There is hope in the Lord
Many people say divorce brings freedom. That is no more true than the serpent's promises to Eve in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:1-5). Living according to God's Word provides true freedom--the freedom of a clean conscience, freedom from the tyranny and consequences of sin and freedom to enjoy God's love.

Even if you think you are stuck with a miserable marriage for the rest of your life, take heart. God loves you and wants the best for you. His commands are for your good. As you read the Bible and grow in the Lord, you will discover principles to help you live with satisfaction and joy.

There are many things you can do to improve your marriage. This free online Bible study, Eight Keys to a Great Marriage, shows practical steps to transform your marriage. If you want to dig deeper, any of the eight books in the "Marriage by the Book" series provides extensive, easy-to-read help.

The Bible and Marriage

Bible Verses About Marriage
By John Sachem





Genesis 1:26-28
Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

Genesis 2:18
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."

Genesis 2:21-24
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Proverbs 12:4
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:10
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:23
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

Proverbs 31:28
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

Ecclesiastes 9:9
Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.

Matthew 19:4-6
"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has
joined together, let man not separate."

Matthew 22:30
At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

Mark 10:11-12
He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."

Mark 12:25
When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:8-10
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:28
But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

1 Corinthians 7:36-39
If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?


Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Colossians 3:18-19
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

1 Timothy 5:14
So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander.

Titus 2:3-5
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

1 Peter 2:25-3:2
For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

1 Peter 3:7
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Source: Holy Bible, New International Version

Divorce and Looking For Love!

Are you going through a divorce and hoping, one day, to again be looking for love? Do you need any inspiration? Well, look no further! Maybe you have already seen this dear lady's picture all over the news today! This 107 year old Malaysian woman, who has been married 22 times, indicates that if her current husband leaves her, as she reportedly expects, then she will definitely be looking for husband number 23!

So, even if you are going through a tough divorce, please just remember this story and know that there is always hope! Of course, after dealing with your divorce and divorce lawyers, you may instead decide to simply enjoy your freedom!

Successful Marriage: Unity

LEAVING AND CLEAVING

Mankind's earliest marriage is Adam and Eve. In Genesis 2:24, marriage is explained as the reason "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

Other translations of this verse have yielded the principle of "leaving and cleaving". To "cleave" means to "adhere to, stick to, join with". The "leaving" involved refers to parents, but also to close friends and those who have significance and influence in your life. Nowhere does the Bible suggest "cutting off" your father or mother. Rather, it is a time-honored commitment and one of the 10 Commandments that you forever "Honor your parents".

I have been a divorce lawyer for almost 10 years. I have witnessed the demise of hundreds of marriages. In my experience, all marriages end because of the violation of this "leave and cleave" principle. Whether you fail to "leave", or fail to "cleave", the result is the same - divorce.

In short, a successful marriage depends on TWO people's promise re-prioritize past relationships and ties, and join as ONE in a new union. How does this happen?

1. KEEP THE MARRIAGE SACRED AND DON'T SHARE WHAT'S YOURS

When you marry someone, you will have differences of opinion. Why? Because they are NOT you. Expect disagreements. Expect frustration. Expect that you will some days feel utterly alone because this person you promised to be with for the rest of your life (and vice versa) simply will not understand you.

When this happens, don't fall apart. And whatever you do, do NOT turn to other people. Do NOT confide in your parents about these little disagreements. Your parents will love you forever and will never leave you. They will naturally want to protect you and run to your side, offering assistance. This is harmful for your marriage. Because of the bond they have for you, and because of your natural inclination to turn to them for support, you must be vigilant and actively leave them, and instead cleave to your spouse.

When you marry, immediately claim this marriage as YOURS TOGETHER. Your marriage will be a journey of many, many experiences. Some will be glorious, like childbirth and financial success. Some will be doom, like death in family or financial distress. This is the wonderful privilege of marriage; when you are married, you truly share everything -you get to double your joy and half your pain.

A couple should carefully guard this privilege and ensure they do not carelessly share or break this bond.

The transition from singleness to couplehood is not intuitive. You will need to make active changes.

2. IT'S US, NOT ME

Your individual choices and decision-making should end at "I do." After that declaration, it is now about US. With minor exceptions, you should no longer make major decisions without consulting in your spouse.

Relating this to the "leave and cleave" principle, it is not uncommon for newlyweds to appear like they are "abandoning" their respective families. Actually, they should. At least for a while. When my younger brother married, our family Christmases began missing his presence.

It is natural for his parents and sister to feel hurt, and a little jealous of the new wife. It is natural for us to desire the new wife become an addition to OUR family. It is natural for a strong personality like me to want to tell the new wife, "You didn't just marry my brother. You married his family, so behave like it!"

However, this is wrong. When two people marry, they marry each other. Their "I's" and "me's" became "us" and "we's". As much as my brother would naturally expect his new wife to come to our Christmases, and as much as he loves the Chang family tradition, he cannot agree to come without first considering his new wife. He cannot make decisions regarding holidays and vacations alone, as the two are now ONE.

Boundaries need to be established from the outset as an active announcement of "leaving". This is particularly important in the first few years of marriage, when roles are not particularly understood.

3. FROM DAY ONE, CREATE YOUR OWN TRADITIONS AND MAKE THEM A PRIORITY

I read this excerpt from an excellent article in Engagement by Cherie Burbach, so I thought I would quote it here:

"Too often families can become territorial about celebrations, and this can put undue pressure on newlyweds. As a new couple, you’ll probably be pulled in several directions when it comes to holidays and birthday celebrations. While you want to balance out time spent with your families, you also need to make sure to nurture your new union. After all, the two of you are creating your own family now. Start a few traditions all on your own, and let your families know that they are welcome to join you. By shifting the focus from “this is what we’ve always done” to “here’s what happening now”, it lets both sets of relatives know that while you want to remain part of the world they’ve helped build, you also want to start off on your own path."

Speaking from experience, immigrant families can have a lot of functions. My father has nine (9)brothers and sisters, and my mother five (5) brothers and sisters. They all have children, and everyone loves celebrating all the children's birthdays, American holidays AND Chinese holidays. The children also have sporting functions, and as a family that loves to travel, there are annual vacations to overnight destinations which are too fun to refuse!

When my brother first got married, it seemed that he stopped going to any of OUR functions. Of course, he is also an exceptionally busy doctor in private practice, with a new baby, with a full-time working wife, and loads of other responsibilities. As his sister (and speaking for my parents as well), it was thoroughly hurtful (and irritating) to have him miss all of OUR functions, and yet see his Facebook posts about his rock-climbing trips, honeymoon, babymoon, and countless other vacations and exotic destinations that he and his new family were now taking, and ignoring us.

It is natural for us to slightly resent his wife.

Looking back, I wonder if Katie (Yes, his new wife has a name!)'s family felt the same way. We didn't even consider that Katie (who has three brothers and sisters) also has family traditions and functions that she may be missing.

And looking back, how is it possible for both of them (full-time working with new baby) to attend ALL family functions on both sides, and have their own marriage thrive and succeed?

They simply could not survive if they were catering to OUR demands.

This is why it is the DUTY of both spouses to actively LEAVE their parents and families and CLEAVE to their new spouse.

Form new traditions and make those your priority. Christmas is a very important holiday for our family. I can naturally assume it is important for my husband's family too. However, for my family (or my wonderful husband Scott's family) to naturally assume I will be there every year, or every other year without first checking with Scott will cause inevitable conflict.

Also, on the same point, family vacations are like weddings - times 10,000 in terms of awkwardness. My parents should never expect my brother to bring Katie on weekly cruise that we used to go on every year when we were children, or even adults pre-marriage. You must first consider your spouse.

Even though I believe we are good-hearted, kind and intelligent people, and it would be absolute heaven to hang out with us for 6 nights, I can't expect that Katie would feel that way. I also can't expect my brother to clear his hectic schedule and his own family vacations just so he can continue the Chang tradition of annual vacations. The Chang-Kirby union has formed, and we need to respect that.

Creating your own traditions does NOT mean you abandon your families. You still make it a point to "Honor your parents" and to keep in regular contact with them.

Don't let either side say, "This is how it's always been done."

Your new union has formed. Make decisions as a couple about how it will be.

The last time you should ever use "I" in a sentence is on your wedding day, when before, "do."

May all of your enjoy a long-lasting, sacred union!

In Love is NOT Enough

In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds

Reuters – A couple kisses on the beach in the Black Sea coastal town of Bourgas, some 390 km (246 miles) east of …
Tue Jul 14, 12:45 pm ET

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.

A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.

The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.

Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.

Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.
A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.

The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.